I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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