I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She announced her abortion via fbk
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
