woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
