this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
