You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
