And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
