fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
