It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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