I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
