This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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