I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
