Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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