I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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