I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
