my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Swine flu is the new snow day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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