you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I CAN MOONWALK!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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