You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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