I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need a beard to bite.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
