So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize