I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im six kinds of drunk right now
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
