he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
