What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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