I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
