I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
