I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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