Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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