I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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