"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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