you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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