my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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