my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
