dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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