If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
