Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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