I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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