Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
