Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
