OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
