is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
