I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
