Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
