Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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