mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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