Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
