Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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