I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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