Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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