I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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