I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
