no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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