I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
