does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
