no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
