Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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