someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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