T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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