all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
