I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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