If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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