i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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