You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
