you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
