I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
