I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
