worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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