Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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