Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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