i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
