2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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