sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
