Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
